Another Leadership Nonsense - Vulnerability
We don't need leaders who are held together by others!
Previously, I made a video (below) about the words that confuse and harm leaders but this one takes the cake. Once again, we throw words around without thinking of their meaning or consequences so, let's look at what vulnerability means and tell me if this is what you really want from your leaders:
"Vulnerability refers to "the quality or state of being exposed to the possibility of being attacked or harmed, either physically or emotionally."
Is this what we want from leaders? Leaders are terrified of this word and rightfully if you ask me.
First of all, organisations don't clarify what they mean when asking their leaders to be vulnerable. Then the question is, vulnerable with whom? With my coach 1:1, with my team or in front of the whole organisation? What does it look like? In what situation do I need to be vulnerable? What do I need to share? Do I share that I have no idea what to do? How will that impact the team? Do I lose face or my reputation? Will that be used againts me(because we cannot control others not to do that)? Do I share that my wife/husband left me? That my private life is a mess? That I lost a business and it was my fault? That I cannot sleep at night and it is impacting me?
What do we want leaders to share under the umbrella of the vulnerability agenda, and how will that impact them? We should look at this before we even mention the word.
I would never tell leaders to be vulnerable because there is too much at stake and too many variables that one cannot control. I would say my ex-CEO had his moments of vulnerability and I loved them all. When he admitted during COVID-19 that he had no clue what was next. When he talked about that dreaded moment he had to send out an email ordering 5000+ hotels to shut down. He could afford to be vulnerable because that guy has a high level of self-confidence, and self-esteem, and was backed by the board and shareholders that gave him security. He is highly respected within the company and globally. He was not at risk of losing face, his prestige, or his job nor did he care about any of these.
So it seems to me that the ability to be vulnerable has some prerequisites and when those are not fulfilled it is irresponsible to ask leaders to be vulnerable. Imagine a person who lacks confidence, feels crap about him/herself, has poor or no reputation, and that title is what validates him/her as a person and now you ask this to be risked. What about countries where such behaviour culturally is unacceptable? Or when the person knows that such act/information will be used against him/her at some point? Do you still think the vulnerability agenda is helpful?
People know how and when to be vulnerable but that depends on them and the environment. When you force a person to be exposed to the possibility of being attacked, you must make sure that it won't be to their detriment. But as a corporation or corporate trainer you cannot! All you can do is deliver this dangerous message, train them on the positive aspects of vulnerability in leadership even give them a few good examples but then you are leaving them to themselves. This is highly irresponsible if you ask me; It can lead to career suicide.
Most of us have the ability to be vulnerable but we will choose the people, the environment, and the event to do that. We intuitively know when and who is safe to do this with. Forcing us to expose ourselves to an unsafe environment will start the threat signal in our brains. Is that what you really want for your leaders?
Leaders shouldn’t be vulnerable they should be strong and maybe it means that leadership is lonely.
I always hated the idea of a support group (or any group, for that matter), and I never really understood why. But this week, I think I have connected the dots. I associate support groups with weakness, and I know it is harsh, but hear me out.
To me, standing alone in the harshest storm, even against everyone, is a sign of strength. Enduring hard times or difficult situations in silence shows true strength one should be proud of and not made feel bad about it. I admire people who embody this. Personally, I’ve always felt strongest when facing challenges on my own. In fact, I tend to block people out when I’m going through tough times. I prefer dealing with things alone. Once, I had a cancer scare, checked myself into a hospital, and didn’t tell anyone. :-)"
So, when a leader told me this week that "Leadership is lonely," I said, "Maybe it should be". Maybe leadership is for the strongest who can withstand the storm and not fall apart when their confidantes, besties or partners leave them. They have the ability to self-reflect, grapple with ideas and digest their challenges and predicaments alone. They don't need their friends to work with them, their validation or close relationships at work to function. They thrive alone and are detached from others; therefore, they can look at business rationally. They listen but don't get influenced by others and certainly don't do things to please others.
Maybe leadership must be lonely because pushing forward agendas/ideas despite pushbacks requires someone who can stand alone and strong against the crowd's attacks. Those who can stand alone know who they are. They trust themselves despite their difficulties, don't break, and start writing LinkedIn posts about how hard things are and whether or not they made the right decision. Leadership is for the strongest because we don't want to follow leaders who cannot stand on their feet and need to be held together by a group of people. How can we trust them to lead us through challenges when they themselves are falling apart and don’t take challenges at their strides?
I love this quote from Nietzsche:
“The most intelligent men, like the strongest, find their happiness where others would find only disaster: in the labyrinth, in being hard with themselves and with others, in effort; their delight is in self-mastery; in them asceticism becomes se§cond nature, a necessity, an instinct. They regard a difficult task as a privilege; it is to them a recreation to play with burdens that would crush all others.”
Have we been sold this idea of vulnerability, which is now giving us the weakest leaders? Maybe there is a good reason why leadership is lonely. Maybe leadership must be lonely because that's a natural selection criteria. The bullies and the circumstances couldn't bring him or her down. She/he is still standing, alone and strong!
PS: We all need support, even the strong ones. But the strongest ones become formidable when alone against the entire world! They need support but don't crumble when it is not available. I like characters who can go through life without others holding them together.
PPS: Once again HR, please protect your people from gurus!
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