The Real Cost of a Narcissistic Boss
The human cost is unmeasurable
Here is a true story about the damage narcissistic bosses can cause. Whilst organisations are worried about the financial cost of narcissistic people I am more worried about the human cost.
Previously I wrote about the behavioural characteristics of narcissists and I made a video about how to protect yourself against them (link below). In this article, I would like to share the true story of a person ruined by his boss and the journey of rebuilding himself.
It happened a few years ago, we got a narcissist as a boss. All started okay nothing major (typical narcissistic behaviour) however, the problem with this personality disorder is that you won't see anything drastic. They eat you alive little by little. The snarky comments, the way they make you feel guilty for things you never done or the constant plot they are making so you don't know who you can trust anymore or what is true. The constant abuse takes away who you are.
My colleague was severely abused and when I told the abuser what she was doing to him, it just got worse. I saw through her and she didn't like that. While she left me alone she constantly tortured the junior staff psychologically.
I told the person to leave! I had to push him out of this environment! Within a few months, he had developed full-blown panic attacks, depression, a stomach ulcer, and insomnia. He was under severe stress and his body was signalling. Apart from his health his self-esteem, confidence, and self-worth declined. He questioned his ability and even his life.
Finally, he resigned! He understood that it would only get worse. I told him to take some rest and figure out how to go forward. After the initial relief, everything came crashing down on him. I spent months listening to him talking through his pain. He was angry, frustrated, beaten, and defeated. He wanted to regain his confidence and self-worth by quickly finding a new job which wasn't the case. He doubted his decision to leave and blamed me for not having a job while dealing with his poor mental health. His emotions were like a rollercoaster ride. Our friendship stood the test of him blaming me saying "At least I would have a job if I stayed. Now I am still depressed plus I don't have a job." I was okay with him blaming me because I knew that everything was better than staying in an environment that was making you physically and mentally ill.
Three months after leaving the job he joined a business as a partner and started earning money, but the physical and mental healing hadn't even started. It lasted for two years! We spent months talking about his experiences, how it impacted him, and the price he paid. He was depressed, fragile, and was falling in and out of victimhood. I can be very tough on people so I had to be very careful. I had to find a way to push him out of this victimhood mentality and pity party and make him understand that he has power over his life without dismissing or trivialising his experiences and pushing him over the edge. It wasn't easy to know when to push and when to allow those experiences to surface. Then I also had to make sure that they didn't stay on the surface for too long. But what is too long?
It was months of work but we got there! He regained his power, self-esteem, and confidence, and sorted out his health. Just to demonstrate how long that process was, this is what happened 19 months after he left his job. He messaged me at 2 am "I woke up and all I can think of writing her an email/letter telling everything she did to me." I told him to write that letter (great therapeutic approach) and he can later decide whether or not to send it. A year and a half later he was still processing it and I knew that was the last stage of his healing journey. Letting the perpetrator know what she did so he can finally put this to bed and move on.
Two years later he still talked about her sometimes but not with emotions. He learned to disengage from the experiences and look at them from the outside. Two years later, he tried to understand the behaviours of a narcissist and why they do what they do. That shows compassion and empathy. He is healed!
The worst part of this story is that this person is in a senior HR role and has been reported for a series of misconducts during the years but nothing has happened. She is still out there somewhere, ruining other people's lives at the very same company whilst talking about employee wellbeing as part of her job. The irony of it hey?
The human cost of narcissistic bosses and poor leadership is unmeasurable.
Organisations are quick to talk about the importance of leadership, employee wellbeing, and all the fancy narrative while ignoring the people who are being destroyed under their "care". Pay attention to your employees and if you do, you can address leadership and wellbeing.
And no! They don't want you to send the leader for another leadership training or to implement a wellbeing program while leaving the abuser in the role. They want you to remove the person.
And no! Don't just rely on engagement surveys to find out what is happening in your organisations. Engagement surveys don't show you 10% of what's really going on. You must listen to your employees in multiple ways so you can avoid the human cost of abusive leadership.
Today, a good few years later, the person has moved on and learned to recognise the signs of a narcissist. He also understood that he doesn't have to forgive someone who continues to ruin other people's lives and took away a part of him. He struggled with it because of his faith but he got there.
Watch here how you can protect yourself from a narcissist at work:
If you like this article and would to have 365 more corporate stuff here is my book; The Blind Leading the Disengaged.
https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0D3TG9Y1G/ref=tsm_1_fb_lk
Great post. Reading this article and the one on the link you referenced, you focused on unstable, toxic, and/or abusive narcissists. Just to complement, I think stealth narcissists can be just as damaging.
I've seen a situation with the described characteristics - ie, a boss that was all about themselves, with a huge ego and fantasies of greatness - but not particularly abusive or toxic (otherwise the org would have expelled them with no regret). Instead, this person displayed a dramatic level of *inconsistency* that they NEVER admitted to...
I saw this boss speak for dozens of minutes without coherent thought, yet genuinely believe they provided clear instructions to their team. I saw them give clear instructions on one day, to completely contradict themselves the next day, yet say they had meant the latter (latest) perspective all along, it was the team that had misunderstood them. I saw them come to clear agreements about how to proceed with their team, and at the next meeting, they completely forgot all about it. When called on, they said they had been 'too busy' and that they should 'revisit everything'.
Narcissism was clearly a key factor in this behavior, as it stopped them from perceiving how much they burned out their teams. And incentivized 'learned helplessness' - why try to understand the boss's wishes and how to help them, if they're never going to (1) be consistent about it, nor (2) reward / advocate for people who helped them?
Narcissism from an HR leader can destroy a company culture.